Monday, May 04, 2009

Covering Up a Multitude of Sins

Usually when I'm upgraded to first class, particularly on a red eye to the east cost, I'm pretty excited. And then when I board the plane and relax in my chair and stretch my legs, I think to myself, this isn't so bad. And when I wake up after a restful four hours of much needed sleep ready to start a Monday full of vim and vigor, I think, I'm really glad I was in first class again. And that's usually how it happens. Except when it doesn't.

Two weeks ago, I was getting ready to stretch out in first class and looked at the empty seat to my right and slowly stretched out my arms and let out an audible cheer. One minute too early. Running on board with a minute to spare was our last passenger. And she took the first class seat next to mine. Usually in first class, we say our polite hellos and sink into first class land. Not this time. I could tell immediately that something was amiss.

First, she looked like a meth addict. Sunken in cheeks and weighing less than a 100 pounds easy. And second, she had the jitters. She couldn't stop twitching. Then she opened her mouth and didn't stop speaking for the next 5 hours. I won't even go into details, but suffice it to say that she had mental health issues. I think at one point, when she was talking about a terrible man she had a relationship and a child with, she made a circle with one hand and poking it by using the index finger on her other hand, told me that she shouldn't have had intercourse with that man.

At one blessed silent moment, she was quiet for all of 10 seconds, so I quickly curled up, turned away, and closed my eyes. To no avail. She, in rapid succession, turned the light on and off, making that loud clicking sound, until I opened my eyes and she said, "Oh, you're awake? I'm so glad. I hate flying and need someone to talk to."

7 comments:

liz said...

I'm glad you finally posted about this story- it takes a lot to drive mike crazy and your story of that trip keep cracking me up. naturally, after I feel bad for you not being able to sleep in first class.

Bubba the Hutt said...

"Oh, you're awake?"

Hilarious.

You just made my Monday.

Denise said...

Sounds like an overgrown 2-year-old. They shouldn't let people like that in First Class. They really should screen them... Funny story, and yet so, so painful.

jacksandmax said...

On one hand I feel bad for you...stuck like that with a crazy lady.

On the other hand it makes me laugh and want to tell you to stop complaining you spoiled 1st class snob!

It's like when John comes home from Morton's and says his steak was "just ok." Ummmm, pretty sure it was way better than the mac n cheese I served myself and the kids back in coach!

John said...

I love my noise cancelling earbuds. A must for any frequent traveler.

Anonymous said...

You liveed in Brooklyn. I know for a fact you own the infamous NY stare... put it to use! (You had it with you when you came to NY for the record.)

"Excuse me my dear, I want to give you a little present. Here is a can of SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Or you could be subtle about it...

"I'm sorry. I just had a death in my family and do not want to talk to you or anyone for that matter." if they persist...

"Again just hearing you speak reminds me of my loss... please stop all communication with me."

You could always go back to the cattle car and sit in silence...

P.S. Just how many miles do you have saved up now? million+ ???

Mo said...

HA HA HA.